coronavirus: in retrospect

I hesitate as I write this because, if you’re anything like me, you’re tired of hearing about COVID-19. I get it. But hear me out. I wanted to have a record to look back on years from now when we are (hopefully) in a better place.

I was presented the opportunity to cover the virus in our local newspaper before it was even really a thing. It was February and we had only heard tid bits about the virus’ presence in other countries. I don’t remember paying it much mind. The article, however, caused me to shutter, as a local family was trapped on a cruise ship in the middle of the Pacific ocean. The hysteria was only just beginning in other countries and ports at all the cruise ship’s scheduled stops denied them entry. There were no positive cases on board; rather, the hysteria stemmed from the steady rise in confirmed cases and deaths resulting from the virus, including 26 confirmed cases and one death in Hong Kong, the original departure point.

A phone interview with the family provided an inside glimpse at what they were feeling at the time. Naturally, the situation was nerve-wracking and what was intended to be a pleasant, family vacation ended up a nightmare. While I was shocked at the seriousness of the situation, I never thought about the potential for this virus to reach the United States, let alone affect me on a personal level.

Within months, schools closed. A two week ‘academic pause’ turned into a lengthy hiatus. Prom was stolen from seniors, as were most graduation ceremonies, open houses, and sporting events.

Parents were forced to rearrange work schedules, if they weren’t laid off due to the wide-spread closure of businesses.

And then positive cases of COVID-19 began sprouting up across the U.S. Some blamed media outlets for fear mongering, while others worried the virus was being taken too lightly. The crack down the middle of the nation’s people became all too evident during the coming months.

Summer was lacking, to say the least. There were no concerts, fairs, or gatherings. Even the local Fourth of July parade, typically beaming with people donning red, white, and blue, was amiss. Even the parks were closed. Suddenly yellow caution tape was strewn across slides and swings that once supported laughing children yelling, “Mommy, watch me!”.

At least we had the warmth of the sun, the refreshing lake waters, camping and campfires, and kayaking. There was a light at the end of the tunnel – it was only to be for a few weeks, until the numbers of positive cases decreased.

We had no idea that before the summer ended, many of us would be under a state-wide shut down and a mask mandate. The night life that once consisted of bustling streets, brightly lit fast food signs, and 24-hour big box stores suddenly disintegrated as if the Earth stood still.

School resumed in the fall. Most schools in the area gave students and their families the option to return to face-to-face learning or to learn virtually from home. My family decided to take advantage of face-to-face since no one in our household is high risk. Also, my kids were in desperate need of some real structure.

But then positive cases started popping up even more than before, causing schools to shut down entirely. I learned that there is a reason why I don’t homeschool my kids – I’m simply not cut out for it. Trying to force a first-grade boy to stare at a tablet for hours and complete homework when he would rather be playing proved to be a challenge. I had begun to give up on a losing battle, when they announced that schools would resume after the holidays. I only had to hold out until January.

Christmas shopping was mainly done online, as many stores were either closed entirely or were limited on stock. There were shortages on everything from essentials, like toilet paper, to frivolous items such as makeup. I’m sure the Amazon drivers were kept extremely busy.

A lot of people suffered a great deal more than me last year, too. Not only were events cancelled and stores and restaurants closed, many people were forced to spend the holiday season alone, in solitude. Nursing homes weren’t allowing visitors; neither were hospitals. People who were either sick, elderly, dying, or all of the above were left in isolation within the confines of their rooms and the places in which they resided. No one was allowed in. Pictures surfaced all over social media of families gathering at a loved one’s window, hands pressed together separated by glass, in celebration of a birthday, or in some cases to say their last goodbyes.

The number of small locally owned businesses that went under during this time was (and still continues to be) devastating. While communities are rallying together to support these small shops and restaurants, the loss of income has hit too hard for several of them to survive the lengthy stay-at-home order. Carry-out simply doesn’t pay the bills, in some cases, and in others it isn’t an option at all.

And the masks. I will never forget the masks. While we are still under a mask mandate at the time of this post, I am still in a weird frame of mind after all these months. I wear a mask in public places, although I’m not entirely convinced as to whether they work or not. I have heard arguments on both sides. I wear it, not as a sheep or a follower, but as a kind, compassionate person who believes it is simply the right thing to do at this time. To each his own.

Walking past person after person whose face is covered all except their eyes is taxing. I never realized how much people’s facial expressions and evident emotion adds to everyday life. It often feels like we are all zombies walking around aimlessly during an apocalypse.

I’m dreaming of summer. Winter in Michigan is not my cup of tea, nor do I know many people who necessarily ‘enjoy’ this time of year. The roads get bad, the wind bites at your skin, and everyone seems to have a runny nose. While the snow is pretty, I can’t wait for warm 80 degree days when I can spend more time outside. A good dose of sunshine would not only be healthy, but also beneficial to my emotional state.

It is unclear whether or not this summer will be any more promising in terms of events, things to do, places to go, and such, but I am determined to make the most of it. Let it be known: I am making a promise to myself and to my family that we will get outside more frequently and enjoy our time together. After all, not everyone will be able to say they made it through a pandemic together when this is all said and done. Possibly not even me. Tomorrow’s aren’t promised, but the least we can do is try to live each day as if it is our last.

Love fiercely, laugh deeply, and enjoy the little things in life.


remembering the sunflowers

I took a weekend trip to Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio last summer (2020). While the trip was far from normal due to COVID-19 restrictions, this lovely field of sunflowers that we happened upon on our way into the park brightened my day. I still think about those sunflowers and can’t wait to visit again next summer.

Maria’s Field of Hope at Cedar Point was planted in memory of Maria McNamara who lost a courageous battle with cancer. The foundation hopes the sunflower fields being planted will act as a symbol of love, to honor the children battling cancer and those who have lost the fight.

Maria’s Field of Hope at Cedar Point boasts more than 240,000 sunflowers on eight acres of land planted in honor and celebration of children battling cancer and those who have been lost to the fight. The field is accessible to visitors entering Cedar Point amusement park.

The beautiful sunflowers at Maria’s Field of Hope at Cedar Point are a great reminder of the hope and beauty that every day brings, along with providing great photo opportunities for visitors.

How to Survive Summer with Kids

I’m jealous, mama, of the way you seem to have it all together! Have you ever caught yourself thinking this way about your friends or acquaintances?! I do it all the time. I am that mom watching other moms with envy, wishing I could “mom” as easily as them.

When summer break started for my two littles, ages 5 and 10, I could feel the familiar emotions welling up inside me. It’s hard to put a finger on what the emotion is exactly. I am so happy to have my little ones home with me, to not have to get up early every morning with someplace we NEED to be by a certain time, to avoid the early morning battles of getting dressed or late night shuffle of getting homework done and teeth brushed. On the other hand, I am terrified, as I think about the previous summers when I have left the gate with a positive attitude, only to end up feeling defeated after a mere 24 hours of all of us being home.

I’m sure lots of parents experience mixed emotions about summer. The kids have ample structure during the school year, with their weekdays looking something like this… Wake up at 6:30, eat breakfast, go to school at 8:15, eat lunch at 12, come home at 4:15, go to softball practice, eat dinner, do homework, have a snack, go to bed. If you take the element of school out of the equation you have a mess that might look more like this… Wake up at 10, eat breakfast, watch tv, eat, play, eat, watch tv, eat lunch, play, be forced outside by parents, eat, watch tv, eat dinner, nag to go somewhere and do something, play on electronics, eat, go to bed at 10. Yikes! I am so guilty of letting the summer days look like this, simply because I feel paralyzed! You see, I suffer from mental illness (bipolar and PTSD, specifically). The main thing you need to know about my mental illness for the purpose of this post is that I feel emotion 100% stronger than the average person. What makes you excited would probably make me over the moon, once in a lifetime kind of ecstatic. What makes you a little blue probably turns my whole world upside down and makes me feel like I can’t possibly go on. What feels like a normal obstacle to you would likely feel like Mt Everest to me. This is how my brain is wired and it is SO hard to get past. Imagine trying to go about your day to day life as a parent and ALL that it entails, except with your hands cuffed behind your back. Normal tasks suddenly seem impossible.

We can probably all agree that having kids at home brings on a whole new set of circumstances, such as the inevitable “I’m bored”, “I’m hungry” and the typical sibling arguments. For me, these situations, however normal they may be, create a paralyzing fear inside. I say paralyzing because I become so anxious, fearful and overwhelmed that I end up doing nothing– feeling trapped– until the summer has literally past me by. Back-to-school always hits me hard, with mixed emotions. I am left feeling sorry for myself and for my kiddos that I couldn’t muster up the courage to DO something, anything! I am left feeling defeated about the unsuccessful summer and relieved that they are going back to school all at the same time. I am left beating myself up for being a cruddy mama. I am left to scroll the other mama’s facebook pages, envious of their seemingly glorious summers with their kids, filled with swimming, camping, bike rides, zoo trips, and tons of other fun things! Why can’t I be like that? Why do I have to have a mental illness? Why me…

In my 10 years of being a mama, I can honestly say I have only ever taken my kid(s) to the grocery store with me once or twice. I can count on one hand the number of times I have left my house alone with my kids for any reason other than driving them to school or meeting up with my husband (i.e., to go to the park, to go do something). This sounds crazy, I know. It isn’t because I don’t want to, but because I don’t feel capable. Believe me, my to-do list of errands is just as big as anyone’s. I simply don’t feel like I can take my kids with me. I’m scared, anxious and nervous, I’m sad, and above all, I’m downright MAD. I’m mad at myself for letting my illness control me for so long, in this important aspect of my life! I literally only have 18 summers to enjoy my babies… and even that isn’t guaranteed.

If you can relate to me in any way so far, let me know! I’d love to hear your stories and experiences!

So, what now?! With the help of my supportive hubby, I have devised a plan for summer that is going to help me enjoy and maximize my time with my precious little ones! We had a painful (for me) discussion about what my hang-ups are when it comes to leaving the house alone with my kids. We discussed my fears, what makes me the most anxious, what types of things I enjoy, my favorite places to go, and…most essential… what changes I could make to help me overcome this slump! Here’s a snapshot of what we came up with, based on my answers. Your plan might look a little different than this, and that’s totally fine!! We decided that having a plan, ANY PLAN, is better than diving head first into uncharted territory!

We discussed ways to begin. First and foremost, start small. I can’t tell you how important this is. I’ve had too many miserably failed attempts simply because I was trying to go all out (like taking my kids to a huge carnival by myself), or because my expectations were too high (5-year olds are bound to complain about something), or because I didn’t prepare properly. My hubby encouraged me by suggesting I start out with a small goal, such as “take both kids to the park for a picnic lunch”. This might seem a little ordinary and mundane to some people, but to me it would be a huge accomplishment. Then, I would need to determine what I need to do to prepare for that goal. To plan ahead for a picnic with two kids, it’s wise to bring a small cooler of some sort with drinks, prepare food ahead of time, and gather a blanket or camping chairs for seating. Other ideas might be to include sunscreen and a ball, jump rope or other little activities to help entertain the kids. Before heading out, it is important to know that this isn’t going to be a perfect outing, regardless of how well you’ve planned. Someone might get hungry even after they’ve ate, someone might be too hot or too bored, someone might get stung by a bee and someone might throw a fit about leaving. IT’S OKAY! You can’t control everything all the time. I’ve learned that the less I let myself get worked up about little obstacles such as these, the less my kids feed into them. After all, mishaps won’t be remembered, only the energy you bring. They really feed off my positive attitude and carefree, go-with-the-flow vibe!

Here are a few tips I added that are essential to remember, in my book!

One of my biggest hangups, along with the emotional aspect of things, is that I am very unorganized when it comes to this stuff. I’m an efficient and organized secretary, party planner and house-cleaner, but when it comes to mom-business, no way! I have a tendency to wait until the day of, only to become overwhelmed and hung up on making a last minute, frantic decision. Of course, I end up doing nothing! This brings me to my next point… staying home is okay! I compiled a list of things to do at home for the kids- a variety of boredom busters for the kiddos! And, in case your mama never told you, being bored is OKAY too!! No one says you HAVE to entertain your kids 24/7. Summer is a great time for the kids to get their creativity flowing with unstructured free time.

This is about as unstructured as it gets… we were creating potions and casting chants with mud, rocks, leaves, and used cups from Subway. Note the potion smeared across both our faces.

If and when I do want to venture outside the home, I found that it is more manageable to stick to places I know and things that are familiar to me already. For me, venturing out for the first time with both kids is not going to be the ideal time to scope out a new hiking trail. I can reserve new places and things for when my hubby is joining us… just in case! That familiarity will help me, in that I thrive off knowing what to expect. Of course, you can’t always count on the expected, because sometimes things change. I live in Michigan, where the weather, like me, is bipolar. The lake day I had planned with the kids could start off with sunny skies and 80 degree weather, only to take a turn with rain showers and a cold front by noon. This happens… but it doesn’t have to ruin your day! Having a backup plan is a great idea! Instead of going to the lake, we could keep driving down I-94 to McDonald’s play place!

Another go-to is reaching out to my support system. Without them, I would be an even bigger mess. I have a few close, trustworthy friends that I can call at any time, day or night, and they will help me. Sometimes, all it takes is some encouragement and positive vibes from them and I am good to go! Other times, I need to vent and ugly cry face-to-face. Either way, I know my support peeps are right there when I need them. Just knowing this helps a ton– like the placebo effect!

You see, having something solid, something I can count on is what I thrive off! A plan of action, written down well in advance is exactly what I needed to turn summer around and make it enjoyable for all! While I can’t always guarantee the best day ever, I can guarantee my attempts in making it the best possible summer for myself and for my kids. Check out this list of free and budget friendly activities to do with your littles this summer! Notice: they are nothing super extravagant, but they are sure to please your kiddos and make YOU feel like you had an active summer with them!

This list can be added to and edited for what will work for you and your circumstances! I’m sure as you scan my list, tons more ideas will start coming to mind! I keep thinking of more as I’m typing, like have a water gun fight, make foot/hand print art, or make a donation pile! Whatever you do, just remember, do your best because your best is good enough, mama!!

How Your Past Influences Your Future

…and what you can do about it!

The past is in the past. Perhaps that is a familiar concept to some of you. After all, dwelling on something that happened ten years ago seems inimical. Yet, somehow, past experiences tend to creep in our subconscious and play a powerful role in influencing our future. A bad experience, several bad experiences of the same nature, have the ability to wreak havoc on similar future experiences.

A trail of toxic romantic relationships results in swearing off love for good. Sound familiar? Since humans are social beings, we, inevitably, find the urge to date again. However, past romantic fails result in anxiety about future attempts at love. If allowed, the flawed perception that we are doomed, in terms of love, will creep in and influence future relationships.

Not just relationships, though. The idea that history will repeat itself and the anxiety about what could be that stems from unfortunate past experiences is prevalent in a variety of life contexts. A rough childhood may lead to distrust in others as an adult. A run of financial distress may result in the mindset that there is no way out of debt, ever. A string of losses during the football season may cause doubt and worry before every single game, because another loss seems inevitable. You know… those fairweather fans… who only love the Detroit Lions when they win, but talk crap about them any other time (which may be a lot)? Are you with me? Again, negative past events or experiences, especially multiple instances, can easily result in losing hope for future events or experiences of the same kind.

Adults rarely anticipate anything. Maybe that’s because we’ve been disappointed too many times and are afraid to get our hopes up.

Dr. David McDonald,

Think about something you have anticipated and truly looked forward to. I look forward to going to Florida next spring break. Why? Because, I have experienced Florida before and had a FABULOUS experience. It is much easier to anticipate and look forward to experiences that either a) are new; therefore, are exciting/thrilling, or b) have been great experiences in the past; therefore, there is no negativity attached.

So, what can we do about bad experiences trying to consume our perception of future experiences?

  • Take back control. To do this, you must tweak your mindset. Step back and notice how much credit you are giving the negative experiences. Do your negative experiences stick out like a sore thumb? Quit giving the negative undue credit. Misery loves company– so allowing the negative experiences to remain in the spotlight is a surefire way to attract future negative experiences.
  • Minimize the weight of a bad past. The past does NOT define you. I didn’t have the perfect childhood. The crud from my childhood has definitely crept in on my adult life, causing me to have some ugly symptoms of trauma. However, by refusing to let the unpleasant monsters from my child hood define me, I minimize their weight. What I experienced as a child is just that: long gone childhood experiences. They are not my life, they are not me, as a being. It is much easier to happily and excitedly anticipate your future when you minimize the weight of a bad past or bad past experiences. Why? Because, the negative is no longer on a pedestal in the spotlight.
  • Give yourself permission. It’s ok, friend, I promise! Allow yourself to freely and fully enjoy life. I don’t consider myself the risk-taking type, per say, but I do believe that every day I wake up, I take a positive risk. I risk my delicate emotions, my flaws, or other pent up issues to being exposed. I risk being vulnerable in a moment between my husband and I. I risk my littles pushing my buttons and taking advantage of my weak spots. AND THAT’S OKAY! Those are risks worth taking. No, not every day is 100% perfect, but giving myself permission to freely anticipate life each day is SO powerfully satisfying and makes it all worth it!

It’s difficult to tell others how to live. I don’t know what you have been through and I have never walked in your shoes. But, I know that everyone can relate to having some type of negative experience in their life. Life can’t always be perfect, right? What we can do about the negative experiences is take back control, minimize their weight and give ourselves permission to live. 

These steps will allow you to anticipate future events with a positive outlook, rather than a flawed perception of how things could potentially go based on negative past experiences. Replace anxiety with enthusiastic anticipation for what each new day might bring! Seriously! Instead of putting so much energy into sulking about negative past experiences, shift that energy towards employing a positive enthusiasm for future experiences!